Review: Lesbian Vampire Killers

Lesbian Vampire Killers
Starring Matthew Horne, James Corden and MyAnna Buring
Directed by Phil Claydon

** Stars

Rumour has it that MTV producers-turned-screenwriters Paul Hupfield and Stewart Williams were challenged to come up with the dumbest, most commercial-sounding movie title they could think of. Their answer? Lesbian Vampire Killers, a lame attempt at creating a cult classic that gets everything but the concept wrong.

Let’s start with that title, because it’s a doozy. There’s only one type of person who’s going to see a movie called Lesbian Vampire Killers, and they are going to expect at least two of following three things: girl-on-girl action, vampire slaying and – possibly – plenty of tongue-in-cheek humour.

Sadly, these people – let’s just call them boys – are going to be sorely disappointed, because Lesbian Vampire Killers goes 0 for 3. It fails as a comedy, with nary a single one-liner worth a chuckle. It fails as a horror, with not a single scare you won’t see coming. Most glaringly, it fails to be even slightly titillating, an unforgivable flaw for a movie of this ilk.

Hundreds of years ago, a vanquished vampire queen named Carmilla (Silvia Colloca) placed a curse on a quaint English village, damning the village elders’ daughters, granddaughters and so forth to become lesbian vampires. When the last of the bloodline of the noble knight who slew Carmilla returned to the village, she would rise again, her army of lesbian vampires enslaving the world.

Fast-forward to present day and a couple of boozy, breezy English lads. Jimmy’s (Horne) girlfriend has just dumped him for the seventh time, while Fletch (Corden) is fired from his job as a clown after punching a seven-year-old.

In an effort to lift their spirits, the lads decide to take a holiday; but with no money, they have little choice but a quaint English village named Cragwich.

Upon arrival, they’re stunned to find a kombi van full of sexy Swedish students, who are on a field trip to study the legend of Carmilla. One of the students, Lotte (Buring), takes a shine to Jimmy, while Fletch takes a shine to everyone else.

On their first night together, the travelers bunk in a spooky cottage. All is proceeding nicely until vampires of a Sapphic nature show up, snatching the sexy Swedes one by one. Along with a knowledgeable Vicar (Paul McGann), Jimmy, Fletch and Lotte must hunt down the vampires and attempt to stop Carmilla’s prophecy from coming true.

Lesbian Vampire Killers starts promisingly enough, but soon it becomes obvious that this was a case of concept first, plot later.

As Horne is playing miserable mope Jimmy, James Corden is burdened with being the funny one, and he’s not up to the task. His whiny shtick feels like a cross between Nick Frost and Ricky Gervais (though he’s leagues from either), and it gets tiresome quickly.

Phil Claydon gets the irreverent style right – complete with comic-book titles and fun sound design – but his direction feels passive, as though he hopes the concept of ‘lesbian vampires’ will carry the film.

Sadly, the concept only goes as far as the title. As vampires they’re easily dispatched, and as lesbians they’re, well, kind of boring.

Above all, this should be a titillating film; but it’s just too immature to be sexy. Let’s face it, the writers probably wouldn’t know what to do with a lesbian vampire if they ever got their hands on one.

What this all boils down to is script, script, script. A cool idea is one thing, but films made on cool ideas alone rarely live up to their premise (Snakes on a Plane, anyone?). Sorry boys, but if it sounds too good to be true, then it’s probably too good to be true.

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